a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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