Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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