Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
