he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
