Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
