Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
