Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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