I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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