i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
