I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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