Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
