so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We need a shit load of segways right now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
