and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
