I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
why is half of my head shaved?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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