I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
