just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
