If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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