He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
