Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
