the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
