My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
