Where are you?
In a non slutty way
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't deserve a penis
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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