Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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