it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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