So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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