he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
