life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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