I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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