I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
