if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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