it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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