In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
