I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
