I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize