I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize