he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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