The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you win again, gameday.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
