I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
