Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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