just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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