i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
