Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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