I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
