My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This girl is more easily done than said...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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