So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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