Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
