I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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