he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
