i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
