I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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