I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
