lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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