My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
