i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
