I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize