I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
