There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
