She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My bed smells like the plague
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
