A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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