my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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